Musings

Four monks made an agreement to meditate in silence for a week and not speak a single word.

One the first day, they maintained silence, but, as the darkness fell, the flame of the candle in their room began to flicker.

“Oh! The flame is going out!” cried the first monk.

“A-HA!” cried the second monk. “Our agreement was to not speak a single word!”

“You two have forfeited our agreement!” shouted the third.

“HA! HA! HA!” bellowed the fourth. “I am the only one who did not talk.”

The moral of the story: in admonishing others and pointing out their errors, we are very likely fallible ourselves.

Wish I could claim that one as my own, but, mercifully, I have no experience with the topic.

However, I do have experience with Love and Logic parenting. Good stuff. Dr. Charles Fay is the son of one of the founders of the parenting philosophy. The Love and Logic Institute puts out regular E-mail newsletters. They usually have short anecdotes like the one below. I enjoy them immensely, and I often share them with others.

This one is good. While the note below is to a young adult, the concept remains the same for kids of all ages: by not making kids be accountable for stuff, we rob them of the valuable experiences that will help them out later in life. In my work, I run across a lot of people who probably could have used parents a little more like the one who authored the letter. Dr. Fay’s note is included below in its entirety. Good stuff. Read on…

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Kicking Adult Kids Out of the Nest…In a Loving Way

While it’s fine for hard-working and respectful adult children to live with their parents for limited periods of time, it never makes sense with irresponsible and disrespectful ones. On page 147 of my new book, Parenting Kids to Become the People Employers Really Want and…America Desperately Needs!, I include the following letter written to a “responsibility-challenged” 23-year-old.

Dear Lex:

I need to apologize. I am so sorry! I’ve been stealing from you for years.

I haven’t taken anything like money… or any of your things. What I have stolen is your self-respect. I’ve also stood in the way of you becoming a man. I haven’t done this on purpose. I did it because I love you very much. I really thought that I was doing the right thing by protecting you from the world. Now I realize that you need a chance to see that you have what it takes to make it in the world.

When you were just a little boy, you were afraid to learn how to swim. Because I worried that you might drown if you ever fell in a pond or a pool, I forced you to get in the water for your first lesson. You were so mad at me! That’s until you learned how to float and paddle your way around the pool. Then you were so proud. On the way home from the pool, you smiled from ear to ear.

That’s what I want for you now. That’s why I’m expecting you to dive into adulthood by moving out and becoming completely self-supporting.

If you decide that you would like to continue your education by going to trade school or community college, you may live here with us as long as you are doing your fair share of housework, are fun to be around, and are earning money to help us with utilities, food, and other miscellaneous expenses.

Let me know what you decide.

Love,
Dad

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

“Remember that it is not how you feel that determines how you act but how you act that determines how you feel.”

That’s how a friend paraphrased that quote to me. I have it set up as a reminder in Outlook at work three times each week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That’s another one of those things that I do for myself.

Reminding myself that I can will myself into feeling better is an important coping tools. Sometimes, I am tempted to give in to the downward sucking force of negative momentum. You know, the whole “how you feel determines how you act” scene. It’s the opposite of what I believe is true. Choosing to believe that your feelings should rule your actions is the kiss of death. Sometimes, that’s literal.

There was a study…can’t recall where I read about it…that followed a group of nuns in a convent for 20 years. The baseline of the study measured attitude. They interviewed the nuns and evaluated the positive or negative nature of their outlook. They’ve been working with these nuns for 20 years (or something like that), and they have found that the most negative of the lot died significantly earlier (10 years in many cases) than the most positive nuns. That’s something to think about.

Now, I realize this sounds like a totally bogus, anecdotal, and misinformed recounting of a study, but it’s fer reals. Google “The Nun Study” to get more detailed information. There’s even a book. The study included over 600 nuns from about 6 different convents. They were all from the same Order. The study also revealed amazing information regarding Alzheimer’s. There’s more to dig into.

On the surface, the positivity aspect of the study should be enough to make you stop and think about your attitude. Are you acting the way you feel, or are you acting yourself into the way you want to feel? A slight change in your perception of your own attitude might be something to help keep you alive…literally.

I’m tired tonight. It’s only Monday. Not a good way to start the week. And this is going to be one of THOSE weeks. It just will be.

Just because I’m tired, though, doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a few thoughts about what to write. Eckhart Tolle says that becoming consumed by your thoughts proves you are still a long way from enlightenment. But…if those thoughts are about enlightenment…what then? Where does that leave you?

I haven’t exactly been thinking about enlightenment so much as what to write about today. I have a bazillion undeveloped ideas rambling around in my head. The one that floats to the top has to do with being authentic at work.

Being authentically you can be hard enough sometimes. I should say, “Being authentically me,” but you get my drift. So, it stands to reason, that being your authentic, whole self at work would be even more difficult. I totally struggle with this. I struggle with the pressure to conform in order to advance. I struggle with being repulsed by that idea. I struggle with being loyal to my true self and honoring that person in his entirety. I dishonor myself when I turn my back on who I am. Yet, there’s that pressure.

Fortunately, I have the good sense to resist that pressure, for the most part. I “get” that I have an obligation to the organization for which I work to perform the responsibilities assigned to me. I do that. What I don’t do is lose myself in the process of making someone else happy. I think you can do both…with a little manipulation. It’s all just a matter of performing your job as described, then performing your job beyond what is described. In that “beyond” space, you find room for your authenticity. At least that’s where I find it.

I don’t think it’s impossible to be authentic at work. Bringing my full spiritual self to work and leveraging what he has to offer makes me the unique the leader that I am.

It makes me a woo-woo leader.

In Spanish, the word “manipular” doesn’t have quite the same sinister connotations as the word “manipulation” does in English. In Spanish, it literally means “to handle.” Of course, it can mean the same thing as it’s English counterpart, but manipular can be used in every day speech without seeming…inappropriate.

In English, manipulation is a bad thing. Merriam-Webster lists three definitions for the word “manipulate,” and it’s the third definition that refers to the negative form of the word. Check it out for yourself: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/manipulate. However, it’s the third one that people immediately jump to when they hear the word.

Last week, I had a conversation with a colleague, and the topic of manipulation came up. He acknowledged the negative connotations of the word, but he was also brave enough to use the word to describe how he manages the many moving parts that comprise his world at work. I appreciated that courage, and I further appreciated the recognition that manipulation is precisely how many things are accomplished in the business world. Heck, watch “Meet the Press” on Sunday mornings, and you’ll see manipulation at work at so many levels. The show manipulates your perceptions; the guests manipulate the host; the host manipulates the guests…it goes on and on. I even observe it in my own home: my kids manipulate me; I manipulate my kids; my wife manipulates me; I manipulate my wife. It all sounds so…ugly.

But the truth of the matter is that all of these things, when stripped of our emotional reactions to them, point to a very basic and very vital skill that differentiated humankind tens of thousands of years ago: the ability to manipulate our environment. “To manage or utilize skillfully,” as Merriam-Webster on-line puts it. There is no sin in learning to utilize the resources at your disposal in an effort to elicit change. It is motivation that can turn things dark.

And what constitutes the “right” motivation? I don’t know. It’s a subjective practice, and that’s where the negative connotations come from. Regardless, learning to skillfully utilize your faculties and your knowledge of the things and people around you is essential to survival. It’s a skill I hope to develop in my kids. Does that sound wrong? To some it might. The fact of the matter is that the better they are at manipulating situations, for example, the more likely they are to keep themselves out of harm’s way or work towards a greater good.

You can argue the motivation thing until the end of time, and people will usually take a polar view of the topic. However, you can’t argue about manipulation. It is real. It’s “out there.” The world is filled with people who manipulate for gain and others who manipulate in order to provide the world with balance. I dig deep, every day, to make sure that I am on a side of the coin that I can live with, that serves as a good example for my kids, that will allow my wife to proudly claim me as her husband, and that serves the wisdom, compassion, and love that I know guide this Universe.

Manipulation. It is what you make it.

My friend (the former Buddhist monk) and I had an interesting conversation the other day that meandered through many topics. At one point, I found myself explaining to him how I felt about trying to provide the best life possible for my children.

I used to say that I wanted to provide for my children the same experiences and opportunities that I had growing up. It was actually a source of anxiety for me. How on Earth was I going to be able to provide my boys with the types of vacations I enjoyed as a child, for example? I can’t afford fancy resorts all the time. How am I going to send them to Russia? To Cyprus? My parents did that for me. Shouldn’t I strive to give that to my kids?

But the years have given me clarity that I lacked back then. There’s the process of spiritual discovery to thank for that, of course. That, and my boys have taught me a thing or two about the Universe as we’ve grown up together. I realize now that when I used to say that I wanted to provide them with the same experiences, I was really saying that I wanted to provide them with the same MATERIAL experiences that I had. I was caught up in the world of form. What my boys have taught me is that my heart and soul really wanted to recreate the feeling you get as a child when you experience the world with your family by your side. I don’t remember the thread count of the sheets or the make of the car my parents rented when I was a kid. What I remember from my childhood is traveling with my parents, sharing experiences with my brothers, and seeing new and exciting things with the people I loved most around me.

That’s such a simple thing to give my boys. All it requires is that I be present for them, that I live in the moment as they live in the moment, and that I make those moments about all of us as a family. If my wife and I can do that with them, then I think I can safely say that I will be giving them exactly what I had as a kid.

This transcends special times, like vacations and birthdays, though. Sure, making those times special is important, but it’s being completely present that makes all the difference to my boys. Keeping that in mind is tough, but it’s essential. I may struggle to do it every day, but if they can feel my presence in some of the moments we share each day, then I think I am building something for them that will outlast me and endure with them for years to come.

Besides, being present reduces stress, and reducing stress prolongs life.

Being present: good for me, good for them!

Problem is, I can’t identify with Bill Gates.

“What the…?” you ask. “Why is he talking about Bill Gates?” You see, Malcolm related a story during that radio interview. It was the story of little Billy Gates. In essence, it goes like this: back in the day, there were no PC’s. People fought…FOUGHT…for time on mainframe computers. If Joe Average wanted face time with a green screen, they’d have to take whatever sliver of time they could. For example, let’s say there was a 14-year-old boy named Bill Gates who wanted nothing more than to spend a few hours with a good, old-fashioned mainframe computer. Well, he would have to be happy with the 4 AM slot. So, young Billy Gates would have to wake up at 3:30, sneak out of his bedroom window, walk 2 miles to the University of Washington (I think), do clickety-clackety at the green screen for 4 hours, walk back home, sneak back into his room, and sleep until his mother kicked his butt out of bed.

That’s what Bill Gates did. He logged his 10,000 hours, and he loved every minute of it.

I can’t recall ever sneaking out of my bedroom window at 4 in the morning to go evaluate people’s performance or tell them what their “opportunity areas” were or let them know that they’d be getting an X% raise. I don’t recall hiking to the local corporate office to listen to people complain about their jobs or to catch flack from clients who feel like they have the right to treat you like crap just because they think they personally sign your paycheck. At 4 AM, chances are I was sneaking back INTO the house, and it wasn’t because I’d been studying all night.

If I was up at 4 AM it was because I was reading. Or writing. Or drawing.

Bill Gates logged his 10,000 hours. What made the difference, though, was his passion.

10,000 Hours? Add Passion. Therein Lies the Challenge.

Malcolm Gladwell (http://www.gladwell.com/) is a fascinating guy. He does a freakin’ fantastic interview, too. I had the good fortune of listening to a radio interview the other day with my fantastically intelligent wife during which Mr. Gladwell talked about the 10,000 Hour Rule.

Brace yourself…

It takes about 10,000 hours to become really good at something. The people who investigate such things, Malcolm Gladwell included, talked to doctors, musicians, artists…they studied historical figures, famous leaders, successful business-folk…and they all either related with precision or anecdotally recalled that the 10-year mark in their career/profession/art was when they hit their groove, heard their muse, felt it all come together. Malcolm did some math and came to the conclusion that the “10,000 Hour Rule” can equal the “10 Year Rule” if you put in about 4 hours a day, 7 days a week. That’s all 365 days of the year to become the bomb diggity at something.

My wife, being the bomb diggity herself (we’ve been married over 10 years, and I am DEFINITELY a more than 4 hour a day commitment), turned to me and said, “See? You’re great at your job!” She said that because I’ve been employed at the same place for over 10 years and have been in leadership for over 10 years, too. So, according to the 10,000 Hour Rule, I am great at what I do. I am an expert. I’m a pro. I am, according to The Rule, the bomb diggity.

But I’m not. There is something missing. And The Rule assumes that I’m hard-core practicing my leadership craft a full 4 hours a day with the intensity of a little Yo Yo Ma at the cello. But I’m not. I’d have to significantly up the ante and focus on refinement. That’s precisely what Marcus Buckingham asks you to do when you take the plunge and follow the Strong Week Plan process. Do more and more and more of what you love, of what you want to be good at, and design your weeks to bring you more of that thing. The more you do it, the better you will become at it.

10,000 hours? Awww, crap…

I’m going to cheat a little. I originally posted this elsewhere, but I was thinking about the power of believing and journaling and…tithing, of all things. Someone I consider a friend and role-model of sorts sent me a quote the other day having to do with “The Secret.” Basically, it spoke to tithing as a way of making room for more abundance in your life. It sounds screwy, I know. But it works. Seriously.

Anyway, I say “cheat” because I got to thinking about this post and figured I’d share it with a wider audience:

I have a “work journal” that I received about this time (October) in 2007. I went back and read my first entry, and I realized that I really haven’t written much in it. Ironically, as I read that first entry from 2007, I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel, the site of this year’s (2008) leadership off-site meeting for work. The “ironic” part comes in because I received the journal and wrote my first entry at the site of last year’s leadership off-site. As I read, I had an epiphany…or, rather, a continuation in a series of recent, related epiphanies. These epiphanies have brought me to this conclusion: that there is an Emotional Intelligence formula for so-called “successful people.” By “Emotional Intelligence,” I mean specifically the ability to monitor and react to one’s own emotional state, to understand the implication of one’s own emotions on one’s behavior, and to take actions to mitigate against the risks associated with said implications. It is also the ability to monitor, understand, and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. It occurred to me that journaling is a vital part of the formula. It is a vital part of the process of becoming self-aware.

It makes sense why so many people journal; you feel something happen inside you, in your heart, when you write an entry or read an entry you’ve written in the past. “Successful people” record thoughts to gain self-awareness specifically because of the power it yields; you hear them talk about it all the time. Journaling gives today a connection to the potential tomorrows. It highlights the interconnectedness of all actions, of all things. The linkage to what was real, to what is real in the moment, and to what will be real is a source of intense personal power. I can feel it, equally when I write as when I read what I have written. Giving your thoughts organization and form, connection to past, present, and future, in this way gives them that power. And self-awareness is one of the keys to increasing Emotional Intelligence. It’s all part of that formula.

Personal power can be used for anything. ANYTHING. “Successful people” use their personal power to create the outcomes they envision. Money is often the first key indicator of success for which many people strive. Ultimately, money falls short because it is easy to create money from thought. Money provides little comfort, little satisfaction. I did it recently and generated $2100 out of the blue in the course of 3 weeks. It allowed me to travel to New York for my father’s 69th birthday for a special trip to “Old Timer’s Day” at Yankee Stadium. My dad got to see Yogi Bera in “The Stadium” one last time. It also funded a trip back to Texas, the first since 2006. But money, for its own sake, was not the focus. My thoughts turned into money because I asked the Universe for something else, for something that money helped me get. In both cases, I asked the Universe for opportunities for which my heart sang. The Universe heard and provided. So, I gave 10% to charity. I did it again and $1000 found its way to me in December.

The point is this: take the time to give your thoughts form.For me, that means: journal. Journal to gain power. Journal to gain self-awareness. Journal to gain emotional intelligence. Journal to get what you want from the universe. Let all of your thoughts and actions be guided by compassion and love. They will serve you well.

You may even make a few bucks in the process.

At some point in our lives, usually in childhood, we are convinced that if our attempts at something do not conform to the parameters of conventional wisdom, then that attempt is not good enough. Daniel Pink had a wonderful (and heartbreaking) example in his book “A Whole New Brain.” He cited a study that posed a simple question to classrooms of students: who here is an artist? The study crossed age groups, starting in Kindergarten and ending in early high school.

The gist of it goes something like this: in Kindergarten, every child raised their hand when asked if they were artists; when they asked high school students, in general, nobody raised their hands. If they did, they tended to see themselves as outcasts, as non-normative. Art was transformed from a daily activity in which everyone eagerly participated to one in which only a select few participated and were looked at differently for doing so.

So…what the HELL happens to us? Who decides what is and is not art? Who reserves the right to judge? I don’t recall anybody with a freakin’ Ph. D. teaching me…well…ANYTHING when I was in high school. OK…fine: Dr. Bohuzlov. But, apart from her, I don’t know who qualified. Yet, here we all are, adults who dutifully conform to society’s norms, and not one of us willing to pick up a pencil and draw!

Or do we? Do we dare? How about a paint brush? Anyone pick one of those up? Maybe some modeling clay? Does anyone spin a potter’s wheel? Paper mache. Or plaster. Yes, there is a little Van Gogh in all of us…maybe Pollock…or Renoir. Or maybe there’s just a little kid who likes to doodle inside every Senior Manager out there. I’ve seen you, doodling in your notebook during a meeting. It helps you relax, concentrate. Your right brain is distracted while your left brain analyzes what’s being said. Or maybe you just like it. Maybe it makes you feel good.

Like when you were six.

It’s OK. That kid inside you, the one with the pencil…she’s just dying to get some daylight. Give her some sunshine. Let her draw until her little fingers get numb. Or maybe she wants to paint. Buy some Crayola modeling clay for her. She loves that stuff. Or Moon Sand. For Pete’s sake, just chew up a wad of gum and let her sculpt something…anything…!

She is good enough. YOU are good enough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It may not be the most sought-after painting in the gallery, but it’s better than the one left locked inside your head. And if you have a child or know a child…tell them. Tell THEM that THEY are good enough. Never, ever tell them otherwise. Let them decide for themselves.

Go on, be that kid with the pencil again.