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The world is filled with people who measure life against a ruler defined be everything their life is NOT rather than everything it is. The thing about taking the “negative definition” approach is that the list of what is not can and will grow into infinity. There is always something new against which to compare. So, in essence, with every new idea, with every act of creation, with every spontaneous evolution of our Universe, there is a new opportunity for negative definition.

The world is filled with people who look at other people this way, too. Today, I fell victim to frustration and allowed myself to judge another, to complain about what they were NOT according to my narrow, self-centered, self-serving definition of what they should be. I am ashamed of my pettiness. I am humbled by the lesson. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

This negative approach to living in this Universe is mot fulfilling in the least. It drained me of energy. It did not give life to others. I stained the energy of others today because they listened to my complaints. Some commiserated, and that is even more unfortunate. I don’t assume responsibility for their actions, but I do acknowledge my part in perpetuating, not seeking to lessen, the darkness in their hearts.

Today is Dr. Seuss’ birthday. He wrote a few stories about an elephant named Horton. In one of those stories, Horton proudly declared that “an elephant’s faithful, 100%.” Where I failed, Horton succeeded. True, he’s a character in a children’s book, but…man, I could have paid a little better attention to that lesson. Which reminds me of another Dr. Seuss quote that I read today:

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. “

Today, I should have been a little more like Horton, a whole lot more like me.

As my boys slept in our room, my wife and I remodeled their rooms. It wasn’t like an HGTV show or anything, but we did pretty well. My big guy sacrificed his lower bunk so his little brother could finally get a “big boy” bed. Even though we didn’t exactly present it as an option, I still found it heartwarming and sweet that he didn’t protest one bit at the idea of losing a bed. We spruced his room up a bit, too, so he has a “new room” just like little brother. As a matter of fact, he expressed gratitude for it at the dinner table this evening. That moved me.

My little guy took his first nap in his new bed this afternoon, and everything went well. I anticipate a few midnight visits now that he has the freedom to leave his bed and his room. That’s how it went for us with his brother, so I assume it will be the same for him. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter, really. It’s all just part of the deal when you decide to raise little people into big people. Tonight, my little guy reminded me of just how little he still is. In the dark, his cool “big boy” bed isn’t so cool. In fact, apparently, it’s a little frightening. He started crying when I closed the door to his room, so I went back in to talk to him. Turns out, monsters are more of a concern when you’re closer to the ground and not protected by bars all around you. We talked about his nap, the overall lack of monsters in our house, and how his new room isn’t really any different than his old room. I turned a light on in his closet, snuggled with him a bit, kissed hit forehead many times, and scratched the top of his head. I did something right because he let me leave. We’ll see how his first night goes…

It’s funny how much children flourish when given respect, the opportunity to participate in the course of their own lives, and the freedom to experience the good, the bad, and the scary. I used to think that my job as a daddy is to shelter and protect my children. I have come to realize that I can protect them, but sheltering does them harm in the end. My boys were watching “Finding Nemo” this evening. There’s a great scene where Nemo’s dad, Marlin, and his traveling companion, Dory, are arguing about something, and Marlin tells Dory that he doesn’t want anything to happen to his son. Dory responds, a bit perplexed, that a life with nothing happening doesn’t sound like much of a life. As much as I selfishly dread my little guy taping me on the forehead at 3 AM because he’s cold or tired or lonely, I think I might really be struggling with the fact that my littlest isn’t quite as little as he was two nights ago when I put him down to sleep in his crib. Time marches on, and, some day soon, my little boy really won’t be so little at all.

Big Boy Beds can be scary for little boys…and their daddies.

My wife fell asleep on the couch tonight while I played on the Wii with my boys. She slept through the whole thing. She slept through the laughing, the yells of disbelief, the whoops of victory. The boys went upstairs, got ready for bed, came down, kissed their mother on the cheek, and trotted off to bed. She still slept.

I put them to bed. I cleaned up some of the mess I made in our bedroom when we returned from our trip. There are some suitcases left on the floor, but my clothes and shoes have been put away. I started to tidy up a bit because the house needs to be cleaned tomorrow. I have more to do in the kitchen, and I could get ahead in the bathrooms. It will make tomorrow a little easier if something gets done tonight.

She is still asleep.

My wife spends most of her day running around, ferrying our boys here and there, running errands, shopping for our food, and working, when she has the time. Our lives are good, particularly in light of some of the suffering going on in the world today. She’s worn out, though, so she sleeps.

I want her to sleep. She deserves some sleep.

I, for my part, want to sleep, too. Nothing is stopping me, of course, but I find myself at this moment very much awake and…thinking. Today, Eckhart’s card reminded me that being too enamored of my thoughts is a sign that the ego has seized control. I am resisting the temptation to let my cleverness mesmerize me. It would be a vain and shallow shame if I succumbed to such egoic treachery. Instead, I am letting my mind wander, taking me (and you) where it will.

It occurs to me at this moment that I feel much more comfortable sometimes just allowing the stream of consciousness to come. Good stuff.

Everyone around me is asleep. It gives me great satisfaction to know that my family can just drift off to sleep without too much concern. There is time tomorrow to worry for others in the world. Tonight, there is just my family, and that is good.

I can hear my wife breathing downstairs on the couch. Somewhere in the darkness, outside the walls of my home, thunder rolls and rain falls quietly on the ground.

I don’t like this time of year. Temperature has nothing to do with it. Finalizing taxes with my wife has nothing to do with it. It all has to do with annual merits at work.

I can handle doing annual reviews. I can handle doing regular checkpoints throughout the “year.” I can even handle having some of those uncomfortable conversations that you have to have when you take on a leadership role. What I struggle with the most is administering salary increases. It’s about having those money conversations. It’s a mixed bag; some people are happy, others aren’t, while the rest are usually OK with it.

There are those who excel, get a decent raise, and are grateful. There are those who excel, get a decent raise, and feel they should have gotten more. There are those who are mediocre, don’t get such a decent raise, and are grateful. There are those who perform well, don’t excel, get an average raise, and really let you have it. You aren’t guaranteed each of these every time, but it’s usually a safe bet that there are one or two in the mix. That is enough to make me dread this time of year.

This year, I am trying to take a long, hard look at myself to figure out why this aspect of leading others bothers me so much. I could talk about how empathetic I am, how sensitive I am, and chalk it up to something positive having to do with my character. That’s always a safe bet. After all, isn’t such human sensitivity really something to brag about as I lament my lot in life? But my lot isn’t so bad at all. Not by a long shot. There is much more for which to be grateful, so not “liking” this time of year is really just a big ol’ “pity party” on my part. Boo-hoo: Ric doesn’t like uncomfortable situations. Who does?

I think the issue might go back to that whole issue I have with not feeling worthy. Who am I to judge others? Am I really someone capable of making such assessments? Am I qualified to mess with their livelihoods? If I doubt that I deserve to hold the position that I do, then it would stand to reason that I’d have a hard time executing the responsibilities associated with this role. That resonates with me.

So, I feel different this year, realizing that my hang up has nothing to do with empathy and everything to do with insecurity. It’s not about the people I am talking to; it’s all about me. And THAT revelation hurts the most. I claim empathy, but in reality I am being selfish. Selfish is like the antithesis to empathy. I felt a measure of shame as I thought about that point. That didn’t last long. The light of the revelation brought everything into focus.

It shouldn’t be about me at all. It really, truly is all about them. I have to bring my heart back into the situation and focus on the people to whom I am talking. It’s their livelihoods I am impacting.

So, I was in Texas for a few days. A dear friend turned 40. I got to see another friend for the first time in about 4 years. I got to see some more friends who I just saw this past November, but it’s always such a comfort to be in their presence. I also got to see my family. Big brother and his family…I actually got to see my brother and my niece on their birthdays! That hasn’t happened in years. Got to see Mom and Dad. I got to watch my boys playing with their cousins…yelling and laughing and stomping about. Good, good energy. I love all of my friends; I love my family. My time with them was good.

When I was in Texas, I saw the Alamo Drafthouse. That was cool. When I see it mentioned at aintitcool.com, I’ll be able to picture it, in the heart of Austin, right there on Sixth Street.

Random thought, of no consequence.

I also thought a bit about my diet. When you are a vegetarian sitting in Lambert’s, a joint famous for old-fashioned Texas barbecue, you think about things like diet. Earlier that same day, I sat in on a class about medicinal foods at Whole Foods on Lambert, the company’s flagship store. A few days prior, Dr. Mehmet Oz interviewed the author of a book called “The Origin of Diet” about…you guessed it…the evolution of the human diet. A few days before THAT, the world celebrated the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin (February 12, 1809 for both).

I found myself at that odd crossroads of spirit and science. I find myself there often. His Holiness the Dalai Lama maintains that when science teaches us something that conflicts with our beliefs…well, we might want to reexamine our beliefs in the context of scientific discovery. He makes a subtle point here, not about throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water but about reexamining. That’s it; just reexamining. If science can add to the spiritual, then embrace that. If the spiritual can add something to science…well, isn’t that what the Christian Conservative Right in America is fighting for? The soul as the conscience of science?

So, in Lambert’s, Texas BBQ, I thought about my soul, the sanctity of all life, and my conviction that another animal should not have to die for me to live. It is a hard choice, a complicated path, this life of vegetarianism. My belief is rooted partially in science: vegetarians, as a whole, live healthier lives. It’s a tangible, quantifiable assertion backed by good science. My belief, though, is rooted more in my spiritual belief regarding animal life. Perhaps if humans showed more humanity in their treatment of animals, my opinion might be different. I don’t think so, but it is possible. Regardless, my mind wandered back to science. There are those who maintain that the human organism benefits from certain animal…byproducts, flesh included. Can I get everything I need from things that grow from the Earth? I believe I can; others do not.

As I sat there, I listened to someone talking to my wife about some of her medical issues, and diet inevitably came into the conversation. They talked about how modifying diet has helped alleviate her medical concerns. It was interesting given that the person who conducted the class earlier in the day had also told a story of how she suffered with psoriasis for over a decade before modifying her diet. When she did, her debilitating psoriasis all but disappeared. And for those keeping score, she still eats meat.

If you are going to eat meat, the best thing you could probably eat is grass-fed organic beef. Grain-fed animals are…well…pretty much not as healthy or nourishing. We’ll leave it at that. Now, I hesitate discussing diet with people because, I have found, it is as personal and as volatile a subject as religion, politics, and parenting. As a matter of fact, I’d rather discuss any of those over diet. People seem more interested in finding inconsistencies in my vegetarianism than in my child-rearing, spiritual, or evolutionary beliefs. The thing that matters the most, I realized, is that I continue to live in a way that resonates with me. I seek to gain consistent alignment between what I believe in my soul and what I do with and to my body. It is about me, not about anyone else. I smiled while sitting in Lambert’s because everything felt…right.

That said, given a choice of topics between God, Darwin, and grass-fed organic beef, I’ll stick with God and Darwin.

Sustaining activities over the long haul is not my strong suit. My mind wanders, my attention shifts. I float from stream of consciousness to stream of consciousness. I often find myself jolted awake by this crisis or that crisis, whatever requires my attention at the moment. I tend to be forced into focusing on something rather than choose my area of focus.

Focus. That would be another one of those key characteristics of “successful” people. Focus. It helps to know what you want because that gives you a “guiding principle” for everything that you do. Success can only be measured against a goal or objective. Without either…well, how do you know where you are?

Right now, I am going to take some time to figure out where I am, where I want to go.

Pause…

Four monks made an agreement to meditate in silence for a week and not speak a single word.

One the first day, they maintained silence, but, as the darkness fell, the flame of the candle in their room began to flicker.

“Oh! The flame is going out!” cried the first monk.

“A-HA!” cried the second monk. “Our agreement was to not speak a single word!”

“You two have forfeited our agreement!” shouted the third.

“HA! HA! HA!” bellowed the fourth. “I am the only one who did not talk.”

The moral of the story: in admonishing others and pointing out their errors, we are very likely fallible ourselves.

Wish I could claim that one as my own, but, mercifully, I have no experience with the topic.

However, I do have experience with Love and Logic parenting. Good stuff. Dr. Charles Fay is the son of one of the founders of the parenting philosophy. The Love and Logic Institute puts out regular E-mail newsletters. They usually have short anecdotes like the one below. I enjoy them immensely, and I often share them with others.

This one is good. While the note below is to a young adult, the concept remains the same for kids of all ages: by not making kids be accountable for stuff, we rob them of the valuable experiences that will help them out later in life. In my work, I run across a lot of people who probably could have used parents a little more like the one who authored the letter. Dr. Fay’s note is included below in its entirety. Good stuff. Read on…

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Kicking Adult Kids Out of the Nest…In a Loving Way

While it’s fine for hard-working and respectful adult children to live with their parents for limited periods of time, it never makes sense with irresponsible and disrespectful ones. On page 147 of my new book, Parenting Kids to Become the People Employers Really Want and…America Desperately Needs!, I include the following letter written to a “responsibility-challenged” 23-year-old.

Dear Lex:

I need to apologize. I am so sorry! I’ve been stealing from you for years.

I haven’t taken anything like money… or any of your things. What I have stolen is your self-respect. I’ve also stood in the way of you becoming a man. I haven’t done this on purpose. I did it because I love you very much. I really thought that I was doing the right thing by protecting you from the world. Now I realize that you need a chance to see that you have what it takes to make it in the world.

When you were just a little boy, you were afraid to learn how to swim. Because I worried that you might drown if you ever fell in a pond or a pool, I forced you to get in the water for your first lesson. You were so mad at me! That’s until you learned how to float and paddle your way around the pool. Then you were so proud. On the way home from the pool, you smiled from ear to ear.

That’s what I want for you now. That’s why I’m expecting you to dive into adulthood by moving out and becoming completely self-supporting.

If you decide that you would like to continue your education by going to trade school or community college, you may live here with us as long as you are doing your fair share of housework, are fun to be around, and are earning money to help us with utilities, food, and other miscellaneous expenses.

Let me know what you decide.

Love,
Dad

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay

“Remember that it is not how you feel that determines how you act but how you act that determines how you feel.”

That’s how a friend paraphrased that quote to me. I have it set up as a reminder in Outlook at work three times each week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That’s another one of those things that I do for myself.

Reminding myself that I can will myself into feeling better is an important coping tools. Sometimes, I am tempted to give in to the downward sucking force of negative momentum. You know, the whole “how you feel determines how you act” scene. It’s the opposite of what I believe is true. Choosing to believe that your feelings should rule your actions is the kiss of death. Sometimes, that’s literal.

There was a study…can’t recall where I read about it…that followed a group of nuns in a convent for 20 years. The baseline of the study measured attitude. They interviewed the nuns and evaluated the positive or negative nature of their outlook. They’ve been working with these nuns for 20 years (or something like that), and they have found that the most negative of the lot died significantly earlier (10 years in many cases) than the most positive nuns. That’s something to think about.

Now, I realize this sounds like a totally bogus, anecdotal, and misinformed recounting of a study, but it’s fer reals. Google “The Nun Study” to get more detailed information. There’s even a book. The study included over 600 nuns from about 6 different convents. They were all from the same Order. The study also revealed amazing information regarding Alzheimer’s. There’s more to dig into.

On the surface, the positivity aspect of the study should be enough to make you stop and think about your attitude. Are you acting the way you feel, or are you acting yourself into the way you want to feel? A slight change in your perception of your own attitude might be something to help keep you alive…literally.

I’m tired tonight. It’s only Monday. Not a good way to start the week. And this is going to be one of THOSE weeks. It just will be.

Just because I’m tired, though, doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a few thoughts about what to write. Eckhart Tolle says that becoming consumed by your thoughts proves you are still a long way from enlightenment. But…if those thoughts are about enlightenment…what then? Where does that leave you?

I haven’t exactly been thinking about enlightenment so much as what to write about today. I have a bazillion undeveloped ideas rambling around in my head. The one that floats to the top has to do with being authentic at work.

Being authentically you can be hard enough sometimes. I should say, “Being authentically me,” but you get my drift. So, it stands to reason, that being your authentic, whole self at work would be even more difficult. I totally struggle with this. I struggle with the pressure to conform in order to advance. I struggle with being repulsed by that idea. I struggle with being loyal to my true self and honoring that person in his entirety. I dishonor myself when I turn my back on who I am. Yet, there’s that pressure.

Fortunately, I have the good sense to resist that pressure, for the most part. I “get” that I have an obligation to the organization for which I work to perform the responsibilities assigned to me. I do that. What I don’t do is lose myself in the process of making someone else happy. I think you can do both…with a little manipulation. It’s all just a matter of performing your job as described, then performing your job beyond what is described. In that “beyond” space, you find room for your authenticity. At least that’s where I find it.

I don’t think it’s impossible to be authentic at work. Bringing my full spiritual self to work and leveraging what he has to offer makes me the unique the leader that I am.

It makes me a woo-woo leader.