One of my sources of self-doubt involves assumptions. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say that all of my sources of self-doubt involve assumptions to some degree. That’s because self-doubt is often associated with how we believe we are perceived by others rather than on actual information about how others perceive us. Most of the time, I can’t actually know what a person thinks about me or how they view me without them telling me outright (and even that can be unreliable), so all I really have to go on are my interpretations of things that happen and how others treat me. That’s an imperfect way to model the world around me, but it’s all I’ve got. It’s all any of us really have.
Rather than make assumptions about what others think, it’s likely healthier and more productive to work with the things I can know like how I feel about myself and my work, the results of my work in the world around me, and the impact I perceive my actions as having on those around me. I can also ask other people for their input. That’s a much better option than making up stories about what they think because those stories are often just reflections of the tapes already playing in my mind. As a result, the stories I make up about others are probably just reflections of my own inner dialogue, so it’s really not about the other person at all! It’s all about me and my own self-assessment.
While that could be confusing, it should be reassuring. Learning to focus on what goes on in our own minds and in our own hearts can help drown out invalidating stories about other people, their feelings, and the operation of their minds. Getting to know other people is important, and learning to give and receive feedback is vital if we want to adopt a mindset that allows us to continuously get better. I know that, in my life, I am most productive and have the greatest impact when I focus on understanding the processes of my mind and my heart. What I think and what I feel are within my span of control and focusing on changing them, when needed, will yield far greater results than seeking to change what other people think. In addition, what others observe me do and the improvements they see making in my own life can serve to influence. Influence is how we make our way into the hearts and minds of others.
Illuminate Possibilities 