Grudges

I saw a good question: what is the longest that you’ve held a grudge?  I think it’s a great question.  I also think it’s a question that could have two answers.  It all depends on how you define “holding a grudge.”

You can look at holding a grudge as knowingly, willingly, and egregiously electing to remain in a state of annoyance or wishing ill will upon someone as a result of an altercation, misunderstanding, or serious offense.  In other words, it’s when you’re pissed off at someone and choose to remain pissed off.  Grudges can be held for short intervals of time or they can be held for years, even decades.  They require very little energy to maintain as the offense that initiated the ill will is easily recalled, often in excruciating detail.  This kind of grudge is unhealthy, of course, but it is also often reduced to the realm of trivial.  It’s the kind of thing that people are often embarrassed to admit.  Either that, or it just sounds silly when you explain the problem to somebody else.  Sometimes, the offense is pretty significant, but, again, that’s usually not the case.  Regardless, they are out there.  They are what they are.

You can also look at grudges in a slightly different light.  Most of the same holds true, except this kind of grudge is unconscious.  It is far more insidious and invasive than the conscious variety.  The analogy of cancer fits well, as it slowly destroys you from within.  There is a lack of consciousness of the offense, but its ability to fester and infect is tremendous.  It has the power to destroy, to kill, both figuratively and literally.  These are the kind that last a lifetime.

Why the concern with grudges?  Well, a grudge, whether conscious or not, represents our own insecurity and pain.  We do no harm to the other person.  Not really.  Sure, maybe you can make them uncomfortable, or maybe you can take something away from them, or maybe you can even make it so they lose their job.  But that is less an offense towards the other person than it is a self-inflicted offense.  The damage we can do to ourselves, physically and spiritually, doesn’t even come close to anything we might to do that other person.  The worse our crime against the other, the worse our crime against ourselves.  In the end, there is nothing to be gained.

So, free yourself.  Liberate your heart, your mind, and your soul from the slavery of negative feelings.  They cannot die.  They will not go away on their own.  Time heals nothing.  Action heals everything.  And the greatest healing action is forgiveness.  Forgiveness comes from compassion.  Compassion comes from love.  Forgiveness flows from compassion and love, so how can it not be the ultimate healing action?  It is far easier to give love and compassion to those who have done nothing against you than it is to offer that love and compassion to someone who has.  The first step towards giving is forgiveness.  Forgive and open the door to love.