The Paradoxes of Corporate Life: Compensation, Part 2

Too many years later, I came to the realization that John was wrong. I came to the realization that I focused on the wrong piece of our conversation. 

You see, what I heard was a limitation being imposed on me that would keep me in check for many years. It became a story I told myself over and over again, each year, anticipating disappointing results. When the results were better than expected, then I could feel better about the situation. When the results were what I had come to expect (a low, uninspiring number), then…no harm, no foul, right? But “the situation” I had come to expect was harming me, was foul. It kept me from envisioning anything better for myself than the bare minimum. Who knows what kind of ripple effect that thinking had on me? I am sure there was an element of self-fulfilling prophecy at work because I never saw anything better for myself. Well, at least not until I started believing in something better for myself.

What I should have heard was someone who had worked for the company for many years and who was just trying to set realistic expectations with a newbie. What I should have heard was someone who had obviously set limitations on their own possibilities. What I should have heard was a challenge to blow away all expectations.

It wasn’t until relatively recently that I released myself from whatever self-imposed restrictions I placed on myself because of how I chose to internalize something someone else said to me 11 years ago.  Mouthful, I know.  But, I buried that injury deep. I buried it so deep, in fact, that the impact of that moment was never quite clear to me. I didn’t understand the full impact of that interaction until just a few days ago, to be honest. As I began to truly explore that experience, I realized that it not only lead me to impose limits on myself, it also colored the way I felt about salary administration in general.  For years, I agonized over having to have those conversations about money with my direct reports. I never really understood why. I always assumed it was because I didn’t want to deal with other people’s monetary hang-ups. Boy, was I wrong!  What I didn’t want to deal with were my OWN hang-ups.

Why is this a problem?  Well, it’s a problem because I became a manager and learned about leadership so that I could have a positive impact on the lives of other people. Most of the year, I get to experience a feedback loop that keeps me in touch with the people I am entrusted to lead, that keeps me in touch with what drives me, and that keeps me in touch with how both of these help me grow as a human being. I lose touch with that feedback loop every year around salary admin time. Heck, I lose touch with myself. Just ask my wife. I can be a crabby asshole. That state of being affects her, affects my children, affects my co-workers, affects my team…it insinuates itself into so many aspects of my life. I think part of that’s just human nature; there’s an Ebenezer Scrooge in all of us.

By denying myself the opportunity to acknowledge and experience the continuum of leadership, the ups and the downs, I was not allowing myself to get satisfaction out of my job.  I spend a lot of time at work, just like most people, and not getting the most out of my job…man, that just sucks.  Some people like to fix things.  Some people like to sell things.  Some people like to help people be better members of a corporation.  But all people, all people, who work want to at least get some measure of satisfaction from their job. It helps us get through everyday and feel like what we do matters to someone, somewhere. 

I’m not blaming John for how I felt.  He said what he said because he was who he was.  He wasn’t trying to crush my spirit.  I think he was just trying to be realistic. That said, the whole interaction does remind me of something my father used to tell me: there is a right way and a wrong way to deliver a message. I allowed what he said to affect me because I was sensitive and insecure.  I buried it because that was my coping mechanism.  I’m digging this stuff up now.  Heck, I’m digging stuff up all the time these days.  My coping mechanisms are different today than they were 11 years ago.  It’s ironic that I was an anthropology major, now that I think about it.  I spend a lot of time freeing artifacts from the prisons of their past. 

In 2009, I freed myself from a limitation that I put on myself a long time ago.  I freed myself from a burden that grew from that self-inflicted injury.  I am no longer constrained by a belief that I had about my potential.  It’s not just about my potential to make money, either. It is also about my confidence as a leader to manage a system that I have to manage in order to compensate the people who report to me for the work that they do.  And it’s about making sure I am in touch, in the moment, and able to deliver my messages the right way, just like my dad said.

Now, that systemI mentioned…the one the drives how corporations compensate their employees?  THAT is a rant for another day…