It’s Their Livelihoods I Am Impacting

I don’t like this time of year. Temperature has nothing to do with it. Finalizing taxes with my wife has nothing to do with it. It all has to do with annual merits at work.

I can handle doing annual reviews. I can handle doing regular checkpoints throughout the “year.” I can even handle having some of those uncomfortable conversations that you have to have when you take on a leadership role. What I struggle with the most is administering salary increases. It’s about having those money conversations. It’s a mixed bag; some people are happy, others aren’t, while the rest are usually OK with it.

There are those who excel, get a decent raise, and are grateful. There are those who excel, get a decent raise, and feel they should have gotten more. There are those who are mediocre, don’t get such a decent raise, and are grateful. There are those who perform well, don’t excel, get an average raise, and really let you have it. You aren’t guaranteed each of these every time, but it’s usually a safe bet that there are one or two in the mix. That is enough to make me dread this time of year.

This year, I am trying to take a long, hard look at myself to figure out why this aspect of leading others bothers me so much. I could talk about how empathetic I am, how sensitive I am, and chalk it up to something positive having to do with my character. That’s always a safe bet. After all, isn’t such human sensitivity really something to brag about as I lament my lot in life? But my lot isn’t so bad at all. Not by a long shot. There is much more for which to be grateful, so not “liking” this time of year is really just a big ol’ “pity party” on my part. Boo-hoo: Ric doesn’t like uncomfortable situations. Who does?

I think the issue might go back to that whole issue I have with not feeling worthy. Who am I to judge others? Am I really someone capable of making such assessments? Am I qualified to mess with their livelihoods? If I doubt that I deserve to hold the position that I do, then it would stand to reason that I’d have a hard time executing the responsibilities associated with this role. That resonates with me.

So, I feel different this year, realizing that my hang up has nothing to do with empathy and everything to do with insecurity. It’s not about the people I am talking to; it’s all about me. And THAT revelation hurts the most. I claim empathy, but in reality I am being selfish. Selfish is like the antithesis to empathy. I felt a measure of shame as I thought about that point. That didn’t last long. The light of the revelation brought everything into focus.

It shouldn’t be about me at all. It really, truly is all about them. I have to bring my heart back into the situation and focus on the people to whom I am talking. It’s their livelihoods I am impacting.