Inside Out

Today, my son asked me why I’m never happy.

Uh-oh.

I asked him to elaborate. Specifically, he wanted to know why I don’t smile more. “If you don’t smile, then you aren’t happy.”

Of course, the instinct is to explain how his interpretation may not necessarily be my reality. He has to learn that not everyone expresses themselves the same way, that some people are more forthcoming with their emotions than others. I had the urge to validate my behavior: I’m tired a lot…I drive 100 miles to and from work each day…my story is sad…so on.

Isn’t that the way, though? Our ego kicks in, and we seek to justify our behavior before we truly listen? I resisted that urge, and I listened to my son. We talked. He told me how I can make him feel when I don’t look or sound or act happy. In fact, he went on, I sometimes seem precisely the opposite: UNhappy. So, it’s not just the absence of a smile but the presence of a scowl or a frown.

Wow. Did I feel like shit.

And then that urge resurfaced; the urge to explain to him why, to justify. But…why defend what I know is indefensible? After all, he is, in general terms, right. If you don’t smile, you aren’t happy. And I am his father. He doesn’t want excuses from me. He wants to look at me and know that I love him, that I love our family. I do. So, he should feel that. Let “The World” teach him other lessons when he is older. Right now, he is a child. His innocence is precious. It is a Gift. It is worth protecting. More than that, HIS happiness is worth nurturing.

The key here is to not bullshit the kid, though. He’ll see through it. In fact, it’s obvious that he sees through my facades today. Observant, empathetic little bugger. So, that means the key is really to let him see the happiness that I do have inside. Time to walk the talk and stop doing such a half-assed job of it.

In the end, it’s about not obscuring what is inside with cognitive noise. My wife, who is always looking for ways to inspire me, found a great Eckhart Tolle quote for me:

“Unless you know the basic mechanics behind the workings of the ego, you won’t recognize it, and it will trick you into identifying with it again and again. This means it takes you over, an imposter pretending to be you.”

The point is that we generate a lot of cognitive noise that can keep us from letting who we really are from coming to the surface. We use that noise to hide who we are, who we are striving to be. That’s a sad and tragic thing.

I got that quote this week; my son was courageous enough to talk to me today. No coincidence in that.

The message is clear: be more of who you are.

Let the inside out.